Hello everyone who finds time to read blogs. I am writing in my new apartment. Sadly, I can’t post from here. It’s quite hilarious. I write my letters here, and I run over to Garrick and Dziu’s, my team leaders, to post. I know, quite a production, but I think for me it is good because I can get my thoughts out on paper, which is very therapeutic for me as I am sure you all realized last year with the millions of emails I sent. For those who actually read them, my hat goes off to you!
Right now, I am struggling with the fact that I no longer can hide behind the fact that I don’t know the language. My roommates rely on me to do things that I never attempted last year such as returning things, calling for butane [gas for cooking and hot water], and taking care of bills.
Now that I can understand and communicate a little I am finding that courage is what I lack. Today, I had to return a broken clock, and I was as nervous as if I were having to give a speech to hundreds of people. It was weird! Tomorrow, I must face the photocopy store, which I am so scared. Mostly, it stems from the fear of being taken advantage of, which happens to me quite a bit sometimes.
I am still learning how to defend myself in a culture that thrives on arguing and pushing people around. For example, the elderly here are the ones you have to look out for the most. Aggressiveness is the name of the game, and I, who struggle with just being assertive, find myself out of the game before it starts.
It usually takes me 2 months or so, and then, I reach my limit. That’s when I start fighting back, but it’s not pretty, and I hate that person who always goes in with the attitude of distrust. I wish the world were a different place where you didn’t feel the need to protect yourself above all others.
Imagine if we lived in a world that Christ desires. A world where people looked out for the well-being of others over themselves. You could go into a store, repair shop, or photocopy place and know that they were going to give you the best service. Not because you are rich or powerful but because you are a human being whom they want to serve better than themselves.
I sit here and ponder how this kind of world would look. I wonder how the desire for money would be effected. Its not that I am crying out against making money or anything, I am just asking for simpler times when we cared about each other instead of doing everything for our own benefit. I would love to live like this. I pray that God would give me a heart like this. Although, when I have to wake up, and prepare myself to fight against people who push me around, I don’t understand how I am suppose to do this.
I struggle a lot with the question, how do I exhibit love, mercy, and compassion, but not be perceived as a doormat? Where are the boundaries? Where do I fit into this world? And WHY am I so socially awkward? Haha I will have to tell you more of this social awkwardness, but I will save it for another night
