Debbie Downer?! Who me?

Well, everyone, I decided to write again tonight mosty because I was feeling a little down and it is a little therapeutic for me to write. However, for many of you who read this, it seems I am at the throws of an all out emotional breakdown. Well, I am not. I have good days and bad days. If you want to see me get excited just mention the fall season, carving pumpkins, fireplaces, christmas lights, and the new seasons of televisions shows.

These were things I missed. Fall season is my favorite of all time. It really is above spring. When I was in Spain getting through that time there was the hardest. I remember last year I started watching Christmas movies in October because I needed to forget that I was missing fall. From Mid october to January 1, I am a happy person.

Right now, I am just facing questions of what I want out of life. I have thought about this alot! Right now, I really want to move to Europe. I want to be near my brother and his wife whom have the sweetest baby girl ever, who by the way makes me laugh on purpose she will do things and then look at me to see if I laugh at her. She is only 6 months old (that kid just gets me. Its crazy!) Plus, I want to learn languages. I want to work in a setting where they will teach me languages and let me translate and speak them daily. Spanish, French, German (possibly) are the top ones on the list. I am afraid of German because it is not a latin based language but it will be a good challenge for me I think.

I love the thrill of it. I love hearing the words and immediately perking up to listen to decipher what language and what was said that is of course when it is spanish. Man I love that language. I love that I have lived in a country that taught me that language. It is special to me.

I guess this touches my passion. I love the vastness of the world languages, culture, and people. I love it so much I daydream about where I will be in 10 years. I love the idea that I could go anywhere. I never knew this about myself but there is an adventurer somewhere deep inside of me that is dying to break free of the duties I have here to roam. Right now, I ask myself about settling down, and I really feel thats what my 30's will be for. As for right now, I look forward to where I go next.

I think the reason I have found myself the Debbie Downer so many try to avoid is because I realize Fayetteville is not the place I use to think I would move to and live forever. Arkansas is not that place anymore either. It is weird to realize the place you called home for 98% of your life no longer represents that to you. In a way, it is a form of grief, and I think for me it is a matter of understanding that grief and learning that this is for a short time. With good does come a little bad, and my best preparation for what comes next usually serves me best when it comes in the form of transition or brokenness. So in my "downer" moments just let them pass because I will have some good moments to come. They will probably begin when fall hits or when The Office and Grey's Anatomy start! haha Let's see where my priorities are...

Good Days

Well, I thought I would take a minute from adding scholarships to the Honors webpage, just to write a little note to let you all know how readjustment has been so far. I will first begin by saying, not so good! I always knew it would be hard for me. I like routine and comfort; I find lots of safety there. However, now, I am out routine, practice, and a little uncomfortable at times. As a result, anxious is a good way to describe my transition back to the states.

I have found it really hard to relax. I go home from work, and I think about what I should be doing. Most of the time I can't get through a 30 minute sitcom without feeling like I am forgetting something with my classes or life in general. When I have several things to do in one day, I feel overwhelmed and dreadful. I am not use to this much activity planned for one day. Today is one of those days. I work, see friends at lunch, go to a meeting for a class, go to class, and then home. Where I will probably obsess about not studying for a test that is a week and half away.

For those of you who don't remember. I never studied for a test more than 2 days before it before moving to Spain, but it's this out of practice business that feeds the feeling of inadequacy. I feel quite inadequate here, which is so ironic because when I was in Spain all I could think was, "Man, I miss America because I felt efficient and inteligent there." That is no longer the case.

Moving overseas and living there broke any reality that I had created here. I truly feel like I don't officially have a home yet. I deeply desire to move back to the one place that broke me. I want to be back in Europe, so that's the plan. Survive. Do well. Achieve. Then, I can live.

I watched The Pursuit of Happyness last night and it reminded me that life is hard, but you overcome. Like Gardens in the movie, I would call this time in my life "running." I am trying to pursue the one thing that will benefit my future by finishing my masters and keep the integrity of my word by finishing it. I said I would do it. What more is there?! No matter how hard or overwhelmed I get. Don't get me wrong, I am not having to sleep in a bathroom stall (He has to do that because he loses his apartment.) but most nights I am exhausted just from trying to study, relate, learn, grow, and overcome my fears.

Coming back is hard, but I have to say I find joy in days like today and yesterday. The weather uplifts me. As the humidity disappears and the crispness of fall moves in I am overjoyed. Fall is my all time favorite season, and I have missed it for two years. I take joy in knowing I can have that this year. Although, yesterday I longed for a sidewalk cafe with spanish cafe and my friends speaking in spanish. That probably would have gotten me off the couch, but the glass of sweet tea was just as great as I sat in my house with the fans and windows open. It was a good day!

My 8 Facts as requested by Kat

The Rules:
1. I have to post these rules before I give you the facts.
2. Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog (about their eight things) and post these rules. (**if you’re a non-blogger, you can email them!)
4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog

My 8 Facts...

1. I come from a large multicultural family, and everyday I am amazed by how much they have and continue to influence my outlook on life.

2. I have a deep rooted fear of forgetting things. To name a few things I am afraid I will forget Spanish (something I have wanted to learn my whole life!), friends, and school assignments. Everyday I go to class, I get anxious that I forgot something or I did it wrong. Then, I will disapoint others or let myself down for being retarded that I forgot plans, assignments, or something I could do well but have lost the ability.

3. I need order and routine to feel like I belong somewhere. For example, before I can cook, study, or watch tv things have to be in their place, and weirdly enough I hate it when the kitchen or bathroom faucet have water spots. That's always the first to get cleaned after the dishes are washed of course. Plus, I for real have to be able to see where everything in the house is in my head. I can't stand those piles of things that are just a mess of stuff. It makes me nervous to think I have lost something in them. I love getting rid of unnecessary things!

4. I like alone time sometimes too much.

5. I have a lot of irrational fears like clowns and that someone is going to break in before I can get to the door to lock it.

6. I watch the same shows over and over again. It totally doesnt bother me if I know the outcome. Most of the time I will cheat just to know how it ends because I can't stand not knowing what will happen. This is evident how I read the last pages of books at the beginning and I read online what is going to happen in shows. That's right I am a cheater.

7. I get really frustrated because I can't drink things with caffeine without losing the ability to sleep, and it always makes my hands tingle. I wish I was normal, and I wasn't so sensitve to everything I eat or drink.

8. Lastly, I am very directed person. Once I make my mind up to do something I do it! Sometimes I am a little impulsive about it, and I will settle because I need to finish something. For example, I tried to learn to sew, but I just couldn't leave it to finish for the next day. So I stayed up late working on it, and ended up getting so tired I made mistakes and it turned out to be lopsided. So I can't start something I can't finish.

Now the people I want to do this are tough because I think who will actually do it!....I will post that later...