My life in Spain! La Vida Bonita

Well Hello!

2008-04-07T10:38:00.000-07:00

This morning someone reminded me that I haven't updated my blog, so as a result, I decided to get right on that. Moslty just to update you all on my life. I have been making decisions left and right. Its incredible what seasons do to people. Winter is always a time of enduring and Spring seems to be a time of renewal. That has been my spring so far.

I just realized how much I love life right now. Of course, I am still struggling to motivate myself to finish the race called a Masters of Education, which will come to and end May 10th. (Still, I have to write one more paper in June, but no more class!) However, I feel truly blessed. I have wonderful friends, and a very supportive family.

As for my friends, you all know who you are, they make everyday here in fayetteville, so much fun. I get excited when we are all together, and I am grateful for the community. Of course in May after our awesome trip to Vegas, we will all start spreading out over the country and some going overseas, which is why every night I try not to miss an opportunity to hang out.

As for me, I graduate May, but I am still in Fayetteville until the end of July. However, I have 3 amazing trips to look forward to. The first is the Vegas trip, which we are going for a week, just to hang out and have some fun after a long semester. Second, I am headed with a church group to Reynosa, Mexico to work in a orphanage for a week, which I am so excited about. THIRD, I am headed to Guatemala for 10 days with a church from NW Arkansas to serve the people of Guatemala. I have to raise like $1,400 to cover these trips, but God is faithful in all things! If you are interested in joining my support team, I would be happy to have you behind me! Then, August 18th, I move to Germany for a while to figure out the next steps for me. I have been considering Officer Training School with the Air Force, so I have started the application process there. I know God will lead me in the right direction. I just figure I should keep moving forward, and if I am to be an officer in the Air Force, it will work itself out.

Lastly, my brother officially lives in Germany as of yesterday, and it was hard to see him go. But, the joy came in knowing that he is where he is suppose to be and that is hugely freeing for his wife, daughter, and coming soon, son Ethan. I can't wait to get over there to help them settle in, and introduce them to my favorite place, Europe!

Keep me posted on y'alls life. And if you want to be apart of my support team, let me know! GOD BLESS AND MUCH LOVE!

Finished!

2007-12-09T19:00:00.001-08:00

Well, I have finally finished what has been the hardest semester of my college career. Now, please understand the classes weren't that tough, (Well, maybe Statistics) but it was a semester of such shock! I have been so out of practice, and I just had no motivation. I think this semester, I just realized, I have no idea what I want to do, and my Master's degree is so specific. I just keep thinking, 'its always a good idea to have a master's.' Knowing that, helped me some days and others nothing helped. I would drag myself to get things done. I wish you all could have seen me study for my statistics exam. At one point, I really did get in bed and cover up saying, "I dont want to do it anymore!" It was a sad state of affairs, and kind of makes me laugh at how pitiful I am! haha!

Anywho, I am fine. I got it done, and now, I am one semester and a paper away from finishing. Praise the Lord!! Then, who knows!! All I know is I am going on a mission trip with my friend Julia to Mexico for 10 days to work in an orphanage. It makes me so excited to be a part of a team again! I can't believe it! I have to raise $375, but after Spain, I trust God will provide! Then, I am off to Germany for a few months at least. My brother leaves in April, and I know it is going to take everything I have to keep myself from buying a ticket and heading over with them.

I miss Europe!! I watch movies about it, and everytime I see something in Europe everyone knows if I have been there or if I want to go there. I think my roommate is tired of hearing about all the places I have seen. Although, most days it all feels like a dream! I can't believe I got to live there!

Now, I am looking forward to going home for Christmas. My mom got so excited about me having 3 weeks to spend at home for Christmas. Its definitely a perk of being a student. Once I start a realy job, I will just get 2 or 3 days. All I can say to that is, 'BOOOO.' Because my mom's house is so great! I look forward to the fireplace!

I wish my house in Fayetteville had a fireplace. Our thermostat doesnt work properly, so most days we manually turn it on and off because it stays on too long when you leave it alone. With gas prices, that is not an option. However, the cold here is tough but nothing compares to my apartment last year. Sifra and Melina, you guys are troopers!! I FROZE last year. Now, only a couple of times have my hands turned blue. HAHA! Janell told me she would buy me some gloves. Isn't she great! ;)

Well tomorrow, I head to work again, but I have the rest of the day after to do whatever I want without even thinking about studying or reading. Its a good feeling! One more semester to go...

NOPE!

2007-11-06T11:59:00.001-08:00

Now, I dont want to update the title and information on my blog. I am too sentimental for that, so in case you didn't know. I dont live in Spain anymore, but I am NOT changing it! :)

Happy Post!

2007-11-06T11:33:00.000-08:00

Well, today's post is a generally happy post. I am happy! We won't count the amount of sugar from the root beer I am currently drinking (I try not to drink sodas) and the caffeine from my usual cup of coffee this morning. I am in a good mood today! I just feel so happy to have people in my life who motivate me and teach me about the reasons we are here. Community for me is so important.

That is why I think it is so hard to let go of Spain because my friendships there were some of the most profound friendships I have ever had, but God is allowing me to find those again. Now, (not putting Americans down...ha!) friendships in America are really for seasons. We are a very busy people. We never know where we will be, and we generally make friendships knowing it wont be the same forever. We are terrible at keeping in touch! While in Spain, they are for life, which makes me so happy that I have international friendships that will always be there. How great! [ Sam, sabes que en el futuro voy a quedarme en tu casa hasta estas harto de mi! Tienes que aceptarlo!! ]

Eventhough I have a long night of studying Legal aspects, and I have to go drop millions on groceries at Wal-mart; I am happy. Today at work, I realized all the opportunities to make a difference in the world. I love my job. I look up grants, scholarships, fellowships, and volunteer opportunities worldwide. I think everyday I daydream about something else I could do with my life. Now, I won't go into how overwhelming it sometimes seems in figuring out the future because this is a happy post, but for real, someone told me, "its pretty incredible when you figure out you can do anything and go anywhere in the world." I am beginning to understand that and trying not to let it take over my life. I just need to live in the moment and enjoy the community that surrounds me.

I have such a desire for adventure, but I can't pass up on great moments like today when no matter what happens in the future my life sort of seems to make sense. Now, tonight when I start to study legal, we will see how long the "making sense business" really stands. Let's just say, my ability to learn things quickly has left me. When I put that other language in my brain, I think I ran out of space for new information! So sad, I can't get rid of the senseless things in there like the lyrics to Ice Ice Baby...

Debbie Downer?! Who me?

2007-09-24T21:43:00.000-07:00

Well, everyone, I decided to write again tonight mosty because I was feeling a little down and it is a little therapeutic for me to write. However, for many of you who read this, it seems I am at the throws of an all out emotional breakdown. Well, I am not. I have good days and bad days. If you want to see me get excited just mention the fall season, carving pumpkins, fireplaces, christmas lights, and the new seasons of televisions shows.

These were things I missed. Fall season is my favorite of all time. It really is above spring. When I was in Spain getting through that time there was the hardest. I remember last year I started watching Christmas movies in October because I needed to forget that I was missing fall. From Mid october to January 1, I am a happy person.

Right now, I am just facing questions of what I want out of life. I have thought about this alot! Right now, I really want to move to Europe. I want to be near my brother and his wife whom have the sweetest baby girl ever, who by the way makes me laugh on purpose she will do things and then look at me to see if I laugh at her. She is only 6 months old (that kid just gets me. Its crazy!) Plus, I want to learn languages. I want to work in a setting where they will teach me languages and let me translate and speak them daily. Spanish, French, German (possibly) are the top ones on the list. I am afraid of German because it is not a latin based language but it will be a good challenge for me I think.

I love the thrill of it. I love hearing the words and immediately perking up to listen to decipher what language and what was said that is of course when it is spanish. Man I love that language. I love that I have lived in a country that taught me that language. It is special to me.

I guess this touches my passion. I love the vastness of the world languages, culture, and people. I love it so much I daydream about where I will be in 10 years. I love the idea that I could go anywhere. I never knew this about myself but there is an adventurer somewhere deep inside of me that is dying to break free of the duties I have here to roam. Right now, I ask myself about settling down, and I really feel thats what my 30's will be for. As for right now, I look forward to where I go next.

I think the reason I have found myself the Debbie Downer so many try to avoid is because I realize Fayetteville is not the place I use to think I would move to and live forever. Arkansas is not that place anymore either. It is weird to realize the place you called home for 98% of your life no longer represents that to you. In a way, it is a form of grief, and I think for me it is a matter of understanding that grief and learning that this is for a short time. With good does come a little bad, and my best preparation for what comes next usually serves me best when it comes in the form of transition or brokenness. So in my "downer" moments just let them pass because I will have some good moments to come. They will probably begin when fall hits or when The Office and Grey's Anatomy start! haha Let's see where my priorities are...

Good Days

2007-09-12T09:39:00.000-07:00

Well, I thought I would take a minute from adding scholarships to the Honors webpage, just to write a little note to let you all know how readjustment has been so far. I will first begin by saying, not so good! I always knew it would be hard for me. I like routine and comfort; I find lots of safety there. However, now, I am out routine, practice, and a little uncomfortable at times. As a result, anxious is a good way to describe my transition back to the states.

I have found it really hard to relax. I go home from work, and I think about what I should be doing. Most of the time I can't get through a 30 minute sitcom without feeling like I am forgetting something with my classes or life in general. When I have several things to do in one day, I feel overwhelmed and dreadful. I am not use to this much activity planned for one day. Today is one of those days. I work, see friends at lunch, go to a meeting for a class, go to class, and then home. Where I will probably obsess about not studying for a test that is a week and half away.

For those of you who don't remember. I never studied for a test more than 2 days before it before moving to Spain, but it's this out of practice business that feeds the feeling of inadequacy. I feel quite inadequate here, which is so ironic because when I was in Spain all I could think was, "Man, I miss America because I felt efficient and inteligent there." That is no longer the case.

Moving overseas and living there broke any reality that I had created here. I truly feel like I don't officially have a home yet. I deeply desire to move back to the one place that broke me. I want to be back in Europe, so that's the plan. Survive. Do well. Achieve. Then, I can live.

I watched The Pursuit of Happyness last night and it reminded me that life is hard, but you overcome. Like Gardens in the movie, I would call this time in my life "running." I am trying to pursue the one thing that will benefit my future by finishing my masters and keep the integrity of my word by finishing it. I said I would do it. What more is there?! No matter how hard or overwhelmed I get. Don't get me wrong, I am not having to sleep in a bathroom stall (He has to do that because he loses his apartment.) but most nights I am exhausted just from trying to study, relate, learn, grow, and overcome my fears.

Coming back is hard, but I have to say I find joy in days like today and yesterday. The weather uplifts me. As the humidity disappears and the crispness of fall moves in I am overjoyed. Fall is my all time favorite season, and I have missed it for two years. I take joy in knowing I can have that this year. Although, yesterday I longed for a sidewalk cafe with spanish cafe and my friends speaking in spanish. That probably would have gotten me off the couch, but the glass of sweet tea was just as great as I sat in my house with the fans and windows open. It was a good day!

My 8 Facts as requested by Kat

2007-09-07T10:44:00.000-07:00

The Rules:
1. I have to post these rules before I give you the facts.
2. Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog (about their eight things) and post these rules. (**if you’re a non-blogger, you can email them!)
4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog

My 8 Facts...

1. I come from a large multicultural family, and everyday I am amazed by how much they have and continue to influence my outlook on life.

2. I have a deep rooted fear of forgetting things. To name a few things I am afraid I will forget Spanish (something I have wanted to learn my whole life!), friends, and school assignments. Everyday I go to class, I get anxious that I forgot something or I did it wrong. Then, I will disapoint others or let myself down for being retarded that I forgot plans, assignments, or something I could do well but have lost the ability.

3. I need order and routine to feel like I belong somewhere. For example, before I can cook, study, or watch tv things have to be in their place, and weirdly enough I hate it when the kitchen or bathroom faucet have water spots. That's always the first to get cleaned after the dishes are washed of course. Plus, I for real have to be able to see where everything in the house is in my head. I can't stand those piles of things that are just a mess of stuff. It makes me nervous to think I have lost something in them. I love getting rid of unnecessary things!

4. I like alone time sometimes too much.

5. I have a lot of irrational fears like clowns and that someone is going to break in before I can get to the door to lock it.

6. I watch the same shows over and over again. It totally doesnt bother me if I know the outcome. Most of the time I will cheat just to know how it ends because I can't stand not knowing what will happen. This is evident how I read the last pages of books at the beginning and I read online what is going to happen in shows. That's right I am a cheater.

7. I get really frustrated because I can't drink things with caffeine without losing the ability to sleep, and it always makes my hands tingle. I wish I was normal, and I wasn't so sensitve to everything I eat or drink.

8. Lastly, I am very directed person. Once I make my mind up to do something I do it! Sometimes I am a little impulsive about it, and I will settle because I need to finish something. For example, I tried to learn to sew, but I just couldn't leave it to finish for the next day. So I stayed up late working on it, and ended up getting so tired I made mistakes and it turned out to be lopsided. So I can't start something I can't finish.

Now the people I want to do this are tough because I think who will actually do it!....I will post that later...

'Bout Time!

2007-08-08T17:50:00.000-07:00

Well, I have fallen pray to the awful laziness of never updating my blog. When I was in Spain, I hated it when people didn't update their blogs. Oh how I hated it! Now, I am back in America, and I am just as "busy," just as frantic, and updating people is the least of my priorities. I now understand you all. However, I don't feel empathetic. ha! I just feel like I have failed myself. I don't want to get to busy to communicate with people, but here it is so easy!!

Now, getting back to the update. First of all, I have to say it is weird to write, "When I was in Spain..." Actually in this moment, I hate it. I am not adjusting as well as I had hoped. Now, everyone always says it takes time, and as time goes by it gets easier. The problem is I hate time. The farther I get from being in Spain, the tougher it is. I am afraid I will forget it. As a result, I am fighting against time healing. This is why I think severe reverse culture shock hits a month or two in. This is because you are beginning to forget it.

However, I have been back a week. In that week, I have gone home and visited my family; partially moved into my house; and started work. I am a true American, taking no time to rest. However, this is suppose to help me move on, but when I look down at my feet and see my leftover blisters from the Camino, I know this is not readjusting like I had planned.

Oooooh I haven't updated about the Camino. How incredible was the Camino! We walked for 8 days 121 miles, climbing for two days. Most days, I really didn't think I would make it to the end. I was physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. It was a representation of my walk with God over the last two years I lived in Spain.

Then beginning was incredibly difficult! I hurt everywhere, and didn't want to finish it. I had to pray for God to give me endurance to make it. In the middle, I started getting use to it, but it was still difficult, and moments, I didn't want to go. Finally, we finished with a huge celebration. It was incredible with the best fireworks show I have seen in my life. In Spain, this was my life. In the beginning I HATED it. Every minute, and every step pained me more and more. Then, I trusted God and kept going, which I started to get use to it. Then, boom! All of a sudden there was enjoying the best experience of my life (to this date of course). I just feel blessed that I finally got it! I finally understood what all that "climbing" was about.

I overcame so much, and the Camino was the perfect way to end this specific experience. It is so difficult to leave because I know it will never be the same again. I will never work on the exact same team, in the exact same city, surrounded by the exact same friends. Things change, and this is why I hold on so tightly to Spain. I loved who I became there.

I hope I can continue to grow like I did when I was in Spain. I know the tests won't be the same, but they will be as gratifying if I can pay attention to what Christ is trying to tell me. I keep telling myself to live in the moment, which is something I learned in my two years in Spain.

There is still so much I have left out, but I had to at least give you something. I mean I hadn't updated in almost 2 months. This to me is a disappointment especially for people who love blogs as much as I do!

Allergic much?!

2007-06-14T15:10:00.001-07:00

Well everyone I found out I am severely allergic to Olive Trees. In southern Spain, there are tons of Olive Groves. Here in Granada is one of the highest concentrations of Grass pollen. This is what I look like sitting in my house, sleeping, etc. because my body cannot defend itself against the evil spanish pollen. The reason I have to wear it at home mostly is because we don't have AC so our windows are always open; therefore, inside is actually worse than outside for me. I am hoping by July this will be over, so I can take off the mask! ha!

Hardest thing of STINT

2007-06-06T13:57:00.000-07:00

I am sitting in my room enjoying that it is summertime in Spain. Now, I don't enjoy my allergies that are at times uncontrollable. Each morning it takes me three hours to get them undercontrol. Not cool! HOWEVER, right now, I am sitting enjoying that all the windows in our house are open. There is a breeze coming from the living room through my room, and I can smell the neighbors clean laundry hanging on the line. It's so beautiful!

Also, tonight, Granada is celebrating Corpus, which is a week-long holiday they celebrate 40 days after the resurrection of Christ. They have bullfights, sevillana dancing in the streets, women and children dressed in Flamenco attire, and spanish guitar and singing in the streets. It's glorious and so cultural. I have moments where I think, "if I lived here I would have their accent, and they would accept me as spanish!" I fully understand Hemingway's obsession with this country. I love it, and want to be apart of it so badly!

Bringing me to this next part (start the violin music please) I am struggling! For those of you who don't know or are surprised I am quite a sentimental person. It takes me a while to transition, but when I do, my heart is completely and utterly devoted to that moment, place, people, culture, etc. At this moment, my heart is completely devoted to this place, and in my sentimentality, I am trying to make time stop, so I don't have to leave it in 7 weeks.

The realism came when I began to feel the sting of loneliness here because my world I created this year is changing, and people are leaving such as myself. Also, I realized, I am going home to a friends that I don't really know anymore. For those of you reading, I hope you know that I am saying that I have NO IDEA what's been going on in your life. I don't know you, and I am a very different person than before, and you don't really know me. Right now, my reality is that the people I surround myself with know me, and I have to leave them, which is what I did to all of you.

I find bitterness in my heart as a result of it. I find myself asking, "why do you care anymore? why do you try with people when you are not there they move on?" Now, I moved on too. After a huge fight with God, I surrendered, and I found my love for Spain. I made friends. I made this place a home, and now, I must leave it all over again. To go through the transition again, terrifies me. It was the hardest most testing experience of my faith and attitude of anything I have experienced.

For those of you who have spoken with me recently, I want to apologize. I must say, there is a touch of sadness and bitterness that I can't exactly get a handle on. I started going through the Ecclesiastes sermons of Matt Chandler (Thanks Dustin), but I wholeheartedly understand. That no matter what we do, this world keeps going. We leave the functions of this world unchanged, and I am fighting with all I have to find my hope in Christ.

When I was little I only asked for one thing. I just wanted to be happy, and will say, He has answered that prayer time and time again, but it is in moments like now...moments when my sentimentality gets the best of me that I am sabotaging my own joy. I sabotage it because in the back of my mind, I think, you are leaving what's the point.

This is a hard place to be, and I know you all can't exactly empathize, but mostly, I just wanted to let you know what is the hardest part of stint. Also, why I have been a punk to those of you who have had to deal with me recently. Lastly, so I can look back on this time, and see how God replaces my hope and joy in Him because I know He will. I just have to stay the course, and not let hopelessness and loneliness take away all the good inside of me.

Life changes everything

2007-05-15T15:18:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I am so happy to say, I no longer have braces. I must admit my vanity has gotten the better of me because I keep looking at my teeth. Its just so amazing when you see your full teeth for the first time again after almost 2 years of them being covered. Its fun too!

I must say, lots of changes have been going on here in Spain. People have come and gone so quickly, and a small part of me feels a little lonely. Just to know this is a part of life. You can't take everyone with you every where you go no matter how hard you try. If I could I would walk around scooping up people, places, and things so that I will never forget them or lose them.

Its true that memories are the greatest windows into who we are. I look at the things going on here in Spain and realize I am so different than when I came here. I can't explain how the change has manifested itself but its in the small stuff that makes me me. I love it because its like these people, places, and things have marked you. Being a person who needs that little something to bring back the memory, this is perfect. I might not have a huge bag with things I don't want to let go, but I take a little piece home. When before, I would always deny myself that opportunity to protect myself from attachment, which I have learned is just silly!

Attachment comes experience and joy because obviously if you find yourself attached its because you love that moment so much. Why wouldn't you want more of that in your life? It is painful though. I am feeling the effects of that as I have grown to love Granada, the people, and things of my life here. I just dont want to leave. I know I have to. There is a new adventure to embark on, and new moments to mark me. I don't want to deprive myself of that journey, I just wish I could take all the people I have grown to love here and take them with me forever.

Europe, Please!

2007-04-25T15:33:00.000-07:00

Hello readers!

I am just getting back from movie night with a lot of students we have been ministering to at Cartuja a faculty of the University of Granada. I am so encouraged. Many of the students I have met as a result of my great friendship with Sam, also the student we do a bible study each Monday. I can't tell you how much I love being with them all. I have learned one of their terrible professors accents and they make me do it all the time. It makes me happy that in my limitations with Spanish, I can still make these students laugh. It truly warms my heart to be apart of their lives and to feel so loved. Tonight, when I walked in they all cheered. If that's not an ego boost, I don't know what is!

At this moment, we are gearing up to say goodbye. My wonderful team leaders, Garrick and Dziu, are leaving in 3 weeks. I can't believe it. A part of me feels like my family is separating or something. My team has shared so much together in the last two years, and for me, this is not bittersweet. Its just bitter. I once again must mention I HATE CHANGE, and this is a necessary change. Basically the ministry is mine and Migue's. Luckily, he has promised me he will stick with me until I leave, so I don't have to do it alone. However most of the ministry stuff we do I will have to do alone because he wasn't allowed to be apart of it in the beginning due to support. As a result, I will continue pouring into my wonderful friends from the University, keep the Bible study going, and run English club.

This just brings up alot of issues that I have realized about myself. I can do it, I just don't like doing it alone. I LOVE ministry here, and I feel it is slipping farther and farther away from me because time is catching up with me. We still don't know the future of ministry here, and as a result, I am kind of in denial. As I mailed my acceptance to Grad school today, it was a little scary. It was almost like admitting I will not come back, and when I told Migue, he said, "it's real now, you aren't coming back." It made me sad!

I sit here tonight not wanting to go to sleep yet, mostly because I am the queen of fighting sleep and because tomorrow I only have one ministry obligation and that is at 8pm. I know for most people they would not complain, but for me, I LOVE it so much it makes me sad sitting around. I guess I will just have to go to the gym extra long tomorrow to relieve some of this stress and the weight added from eating lots of peanut butter M&Ms. haha

I hope my posts aren't depressing you all. In reality, its really amazing that I went from this time last year of counting days until I left to trying to forget about leaving. God really has done amazing work in me, and allowed me to let go of what was and look at the here and now in Spain. However, I find myself not wanting to forget Spain to move onto the here and now in America. Weird huh! I don't ask questions; I just do what I am told. In this moment, I really do hope and pray this is not the end for me here in Spain/Europe. I said I would go anywhere and do anything, but a little part of me is whispering..."let it be Europe, please." We will all have to wait to see what He decides!

Rainy Sunday.

2007-04-15T09:33:00.001-07:00

Well, I am sure you all can tell, I am back to the world of blogging. I guess I have been a little blog happy. I don't know what it is but after 7 cloudy rainy days in a row I just needed a little outside of my life experience and posting can give that. Today, I went to church and saw the Romanian Gypsies Migue has been trying to help. It touched my heart so much. The kids came up to me and gave me such big hugs and asked why I hadn't been back. I just felt so loved. We all need to pray they find them an apartment soon because the government is threatening to take the kids away. It is just crazy to me. Please keep them in your prayers.

I have been listening to a sermon about the cases against Christ. The great thing about being here in Spain is I have missed this whole message about the tomb of Christ being found. I was shocked to hear there is all this stuff surrounding the Resurrection of Christ. It made me sad, but listening to the sermon really helped me to see that there will always be people who dont want to believe in Him, but the craziest thing is their theories require more faith to believe. We try to complicate things so much!

I understand this. I am already going through a little struggle because right now, I am struggling with questions of the future. You see, I am always the girl with the plan. I know my next three or four steps before I even venture out. However, God is only telling me one step of the way. As a result, I am struggling. I want to know what He has next for me because I like knowing, so that I have something to look to the future. Also, I just want him to tell me that the next transitions wont be as hard as my transition was to Spain. The last few days, I haven't slept well. I keep having dreams about certain things of the future and how they go completely wrong. It's silly I know, but when it seems to be re-occurring you tend to think you are doing something wrong.

All this goes back to complicating things. My dad always tells me to keep things simple. If I truly lived like that I would be blessed to realize all the things God has worked out for me to go back to the states. Although, I think I need to reapply for a position at the UofA, I know everything will be fine. I have a house, a roommate, a car, a prospective job, and a direction (to GRADUATE). However, I am not satisfied. I want to know the little details like; will I struggle a lot when I go back? Will I feel lonely alot? Will I miss Spain and the people here so much it is unbearable? Will I have moments like I did last year but at home? Will my family and I get along? Will I feel completely socially awkward? Will I keep speaking Spanish or will I lose it?

Lots of things to consider; however, not things to give me nightmares.

2007-04-15T08:34:00.000-07:00

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Just a few Paris Pics

2007-04-14T16:03:00.000-07:00

My entire week in Paris.

2007-04-14T14:52:00.000-07:00

Well, as you all know by my pics I sent out, I went to Paris. I have to say, if you ever get a chance to come to Europe go to Paris. A little factoid, Paris has the most tourist of any city in Europe. The number a year is close to 20million. Officially, I understand why. That city is amazing. You have culture, art, monuments, shopping, CREPES, PASTRIES, coffee, french music, the river, bridges, grass, trees, and TULIPS!

I was in love the first day. Of course, it is called the city of love and lights. When you get there you understand. The first day I babysat with Mindy while the normal spring rain sprinkled outside. At first, it reminded me of London because of the clouds and drizzle weather, the metros, and trains.

Saturday, I indulged an American love of mine. I made Mindy take me to Starbucks and an English movie. A chick flick to be exact [Music and Lyrics]. While we were at Starbucks, I was enjoying my Vanilla Cappucino when this sweet French girl approached me to do a survey in French. I responded quickly in bad french with "I dont speak....english." Yeah when you are trying to speak a different language your brain does funny things. The girl walked away, but then came back and in her saturated french accented english began the survey. My first day on the town, and I am in the research findings of a french student's thesis. COOL. Then, we grabbed some dinner a greek sandwich with awesome fries from one of the nicest guys who worked in the store. He felt so bad he couldn't speak English. This shocked me. Spain, they think those who don't have the privilege to speak Spanish are at a loss each day, and many refuse to speak english.

Sunday, we planned to go to Versailles since it was free on the first Sunday of the month. We slept till 9. Were on the train by 10. We step off, the line to get in is FOREVER long. We decided, we would try somewhere else. I decided I would go back on my own later in the week, when not all 20 million tourist were there on one day. Then, we ate crepes for lunch. It wasn't the best, but still very interesting in comparison to Spanish food. Mindy and I decided at that point we would walk the city. Check out the Eiffel Tower and I was able to get into the last part of Mass at Notre Dame. I apparently have made all the main pilgrimages for Catholics. I hit the Vatican for Palm Sunday last year. This year Paris' Notre Dame. I will for sure get into heaven now. :) Finally, we ended the day with Subway sandwiches. [Look! I haven't had that in ages, and its good!] The cool thing was we ate it sitting infront of the Seine river, looking out the window. GREAT!

Monday, I took it to a new level. I explored the city on my own. SO FUN!! I was actually really nervous because I HATE doing stuff on my own usually. Only because of the nerves, but Mindy wrote out my train and metro instructions and I was set. I had no problems. Got into center Paris at 9am. Had a Croissant and a Cafe Au Lait on Champs Elysees. (Love it because each morning alone I did that) I sat in a cafe enjoyed breakfast and watched Parisians rush to work. Then, I headed out to the Arc d'Triomph. It was beautiful. I bought my museum pass and climbed to the top. I was able to see all 12 streets that shoot off from the circle around the Arc. It looks like a star. Then, I walked down Champs Elysees. Stopped in the Jardin d'Tuilleries (TULIPS) to read and rest. Next stop the Louvre. I walked past the Concord and the crowd waiting at the Louvre (Because of the Museum Pass) Got into the Louvre and wandered for 2 1/2 hours. I saw the Venus de Milo, Roman sculptures, etc. etc. and the Mona Lisa.

I had a very angry security guard staring at me at the Mona Lisa because I thought since everyone else is taking a picture I will to....well, of course when I do something wrong I always get caught. Plus, the best is that I went to take the pic and a woman walked right in front of me. For that reason, There are angry guards at the Louvre because of me AND I have a great pic of a woman's head. For me, it doesn't pay to break the rules. After thescary man, I booked it out of the Mona Lisa room. I was actually sad. I thought the Mona Lisa was bigger. Plus, all the people ruined it for me. I dont like crowds at ALL! After the Louvre, I went to eat at Minims a french restaurant where I undoubtedly got something not french. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I got a club sandwich. I figured it was good. It cost 12 Euros! Food in Paris is GOOD but expensive. Then, back to the Tuilleries where I sat and read a book. It was a beautiful day.

Tuesday, I was solo again. I had the usual croissant and Capuccino. I started the day off with a freezing wait to climb the Notre dame tower. It was worth it, but I was so cold I had lost some of my motor skills and so climbing the 455 stairs was tough. Once at the top, I took my pics but scurried down. I am really afraid of heights and when it is really windy and cold. I like to do my sightseeing quickly. Next Musee D'Orsay. I love that Museum. Renoir, Monet, Manet, Van Gogh...the list goes on. It was amazing to see original works of people I studied when I was young. Then, I was off to Versailles. Versailles is AMAZING. It was a city. That is all I can say. Plus, OH THE CROWDS. In some parts, I could barely breath. I wandered the Gardens for 2 hours. Beautiful! To end the day, I went to a cafe and had chocolate Chaud (hot chocolate) and a crepe. The man was super nice to me. I am telling you, if you try to speak french in any form, they will bend over backwards to be helpful. I was amazed. For this, I loved Paris more.

Wednesday, was my day to visit Moulin Rouge, Sacre Coer, and MontMartre. I went with Mindy's roomie. We took three walks in Montmartre. Ate in the Cafe Amelie was filmed. I had a large coke and an amazing pineaple upside down tart. It was good! We saw the Moulins. The Moulin Rouge store that had our mouths dropping at replays at the shows. Guys stay away...thats all I can say. Then, I saw the Sacre Coer, a beautiful white church on the highest point in Paris. The Ferris wheel from Amelie. Three Gypsies get questioned for not having paperwork. The art district where I bought two simple pictures from the sweetest old french artist who had a sweet yet chubby dog. He tried to speak to me in French, and when I said I didnt understand he began to use sign language to tell me his dog eats too much! I am so glad I stopped to buy from him. Then, We saw Van Gogh's house, beautiful flower shops. A few bad shops I wont mention...if you knew the history of Montmartre you will understand why the main street is not a "nice"one. Going back into the coutryside, we saw the last vineyard in Paris. The club where Van Gogh and other artists hung out. It was along another street, I saw a great little cove of benches flowers tress and street posts. It was infront of the Musee d' Romantique. We didn't go in because it was closed but I understood why women love this city. When they devote whole museums to love and romance...its a wonder all woman dont make a trip there. Then, I bought a sweet tea set from a cute little store for only 23 Euros!! Grabbed some take out and headed home.

Thursday, I hung out with Mindy, and I went with her to a literacy class for Muslim women. I helped Mindy with the kids. I was so happy to be able to go. I think it is important to see the REAL sides of the city and its needs. It is a huge need for Muslim women because many have never been educated before on how to read and write in French, while many do speak french because France colonized most parts of Africa. After that, we treated ourselves to a little Hard Rock Cafe with FREE REFILLS. I got three Root Beers. I loved it!

Friday, my last day in Paris. I only wanted to see the Eiffel tower at night, so Mindy and I met up after her class. I had a Crepe. Shopped. Checked Internet. Went to see another English Movie [The Namesake]. Then, headed into Central Paris where we sat along the Seine and talked. We saw the sun go down, and I took a million pics of the Eiffel tower. Then, we headed home. I packed.

Saturday, I left at 9am to get to the Airport. I got there, and my flight was delayed. I didnt realize it would be delayed 4 hours. I missed my bus in Madrid, so I had to wait 3 hours in the smelly bus station of madrid for a bus at 11pm. It put me in Granada at 5am. It was a long day my friends, but for Paris it was all worth it!

I will forever love Paris! It is beautiful, and a city completely of its own charm. It can't be copied.

ummm! New hair cut

2007-04-14T14:32:00.000-07:00

Well, the story goes...I went to get my haircut today. I only wanted a trim because I wanted to grow my hair out. I went to have a little more shape to my growing, long straight hair. I said... swoopy bangs with long layers. This is what I came out with.
Before:

She cut off 2-3 inches. I was speechless with first cut and my friend Cortney who went to make sure I spoke correctly just kept saying..."I'm sorry." 1 benefit...no one can tell I am an American. I look officially spanish now. 2. Hair grows. The only thing was it was an accident. This is living overseas. I know its not that bad. I really shouldnt complain. Its just a little frustrating.

¡Dia de las Mujeres!

2007-03-08T18:08:00.000-08:00

Today was the international day of women. It is where all the ladies in the city come out to protest the oppression of women in Spain. I love the way Spain protests. Its such a Spectacle. It looks like a circus, but in this first pic a woman is dressed as a man with a big skirt. (I dont know the meaning of that but its not good) While the man is dressed like a woman who keeps dropping flares. Interesting stuff huh!This is the most strong statement I think. The man is the puppet master while the woman is the puppet. Very strong meaning here.
Best group shot I could get as people kept walking in front of me. PUNKS!

Basically, all this is so interesting to me because here in Spain the men are well known for their machismo. I can't believe the women put up with it, but its true. The women here work just as hard while continuing to run the household completely! Amazing!

This explains Ministry in Europe

2007-03-07T16:21:00.000-08:00

Hey Guys!

I just wanted to share what ministry is like here in Europe. This is a video my Team leader Garrick sent us, and it is so true. I use to wonder why God sent me because I didn't have much Theological training, but after I saw this, God knew just was I was equipped with and brought me right where I was needed. I hope you can understand it! THANKS FOR READING!

http://www.convergemissions.com/postmodernism_video.html

The way...

2007-03-03T17:37:00.000-08:00

What a night! Tonight we celebrated the birthday of my wonderful boss Dziu (Pronounced Z-U). It was a great time. We had tons of people come and spend time with us talking and celebrating her life and our friendships. I had a blast speaking in (mostly incorrect) spanish the whole night with my wonderful friends who correct me every now and then as I ramble on about how I can't wake up to songs because they play in my dream. (These were the types of conversations we had.) Basically it was a great night of fellowship and once again affirming my Affiliation (A HUGE value of mine) into the culture and friendships here in Granada.

As I sit here reminiscing of the great times and trying to remember the new spanish words I learned, which dont seem to come unless I write them down. I realize something, it is going to be a HUGE struggle for me to leave. NOW, I know, I have almost 5 months left here, and I should NOT be dwelling on these things. The only problem is, this is my nature. I know what I face at home.

I face another transition. For those of you who don't know me very well. I DONT like change. I am uncomfortable with the unfamiliar. Of course, this time is when God breaks me the most, which is why last year was such a trying time for me. I had many fights with Him on what He was doing in my life. Now, I look at my life and say, THANK YOU for knowing me better than myself.

It comes down to the fact that I would not give up my time here in Spain for anything. My heart aches for this place. I walk the streets like I belong while my amazing loving friends tell me I have "Grana-ino blood." How my heart swells whenever I am with them. The more time I spend walking the streets here watching the entire city come out when the weather is good, I realize I can call this place home. Of course, home is in Heaven, but I realize God wants us to suffer through the hard but realize the moments when His presence in us has created our very own heaven on earth.

I am in His will right now. I followed Him, and He has blessed me with a completely different point of view, a language my heart has longed to speak, and a love for another country and people. Tonight someone asked me if in July I go home "para siempre?" (Forever) All I could say, I hope not, but I have no idea.

There is just something about a place that has seen you hit your lowest spiritually, emotionally, and physically. In this city, I have found myself crying out to God to wake me from this sleep of sadness to see His heart for me here. As a result of following, He has done it, which is why it is so hard to walk away. I owned my faith here. I had to take what others had taught me and apply it to my life. I had to be a christian in a place where they laugh at us, tells us we are in cults, and openly disregard who we are. I was overlooked, laughed at, and thought to be ridiculous, but God saw me through it all. He gave me a chance to be in this world but not to conform. Now, I have people who love me! I have people who will miss me and will open their homes no matter where they are. Isn't that amazing! If I had packed up when I WANTED to, I would never know any of them.

Granada is my other home. I will always love this city. Everything about it, the way my allegies go crazy as Spring and fall come. The way people filll the street when the weather is great with their best outfits and babies dressed as dolls in carriages you only see in magazines. The way its like a parade of beautiful history and art at every turn. The way they leave things as they are- a building crumbling is still used and respected for its history, or it could be laziness. Let's say the first. The way I have to take 4 days to do laundry in the winter. The way the people pronounce things in the signature way a Granadino can. The way the city perks up right before siesta and completely changes in an hour as people begin to eat with their families. The way I learned spanish here. The way I feel as I walk through the streets knowing where all my favorite places are. The way people throw their napkins on the floor at bars and restaurants. The way I have to carry all my groceries home after shopping thus making me think carefully about what I buy. The way you can window shop all hours of the day. The way people ask me directions, and I respond in the best Accent I can possibly muster so they will think I am from here. The way they look at me when they realize I am not Spanish. The way this city has its own personality full of beauty from the mountains, palm trees, bridges, buildings, people, and SHOPPING.

I am afraid...

What if I never return? What if he asks more of me than I can give? What if I disappoint my family and friends? What if I can't honor my word? Most importantly, Why does God make me love something just to take me somewhere completely different?

I know its shocking that I have so much love for a place that I cursed last year, but its amazing what God does to our hearts when we give them up! He made me see these things and develop a heart for people I use to be afraid of. As I write this, I know deep down Christ is not done with me. He has only just begun as I trust him. However, I fear the unknown.

Pics of my trip to the Coast

2007-02-28T11:27:00.000-08:00

The Mediterranean Sea, and the southest point in Europe. The other side is the Atlantic ocean.

Streets of Tarifa! I love the white buildings and brick streets of Spain.
Sifra and I at the top of the fort.
The bottom of the Fort and evidence Spring is coming. Isn't it beautiful!
The grand finale, the Atlantic ocean. This is where all the "wanna-be" surfers surf in the summer.

Ode to Bucket showers

2007-02-26T16:33:00.000-08:00

Well, tonight we have returned to cold showers again. Boo to the limited hot water supply that comes from Butane canisters. It is 2am and I am currently boiling water. Isn't it fun! haha No, its ok, there are worse things in life than having to take bucket showers. I just think I am lucky. At least, I have a stove to heat the water!

Well, that was not the intention of this post but as I am sure you all know what happens in my immediate world gets blogged. I can't help it, but also, it keeps the blog updates coming because I love blogs. I love being able to check them and see whats going on in the world outside of my own. It allows me to get a little perspective so for those of you who don't write. You are truly depriving the world of a new fresh perspective. Just think about that tonight as you lay down to sleep!

What I really wanted to write about was my amazing weekend in Algeciras. I went home with my roommate Sifra, whose parents are American Missionaries here in Spain. They were in North Africa for a while, and now they are in Southern Spain. They have been missionaries for 20 years. I loved my time with them, and especially, my time with Sifra's mom.

She shared so much of her wisdom with me. Let me vent, and share my story of how I arrived in Spain. She examined my life experiences and pointed out key things that God is doing in my life. It was a weekend of introspection and blessings. To be able to be surrounded by family, this is one of my favorite things in the world. To meet Sifra's younger brother and see their interaction, it made me feel so at home. Saturday night, I opted to stay at home with Sifra's family instead of going out with Sifra. It was just something that I had been missing and didn't realize I missed it until I was there. Things like orders to help with dinner, eating their usual Saturday night pizza as they watched tv, and cracked jokes.

It was a great time. It was also a time of encouragement. Here was a family completely devoted to the calling of the Lord, following him everywhere. Her parents speak 4 languages while each child speaks two languages perfectly while learning others. I was fascinated at the gifts God had given them. I was also blessed by the hugs and hospitality.

It made me think a lot about what I want for my future and God willing, my family. I want my kids to know a world outside of America. I want them to learn another culture and language fluently. I want them to be comfortable outside of America, and to realize their is more to life than video games and junk food. (That is not a jab at American kids, I just know for me Junk food is one of my favorite things and for my brother video games were the end all!)

Its just interesting to see the transition taking place inside of me. I never knew there was all this desire to GO. I never knew there was this comfort in living outside of the box I had constructed for myself just a few years back. My plan was completely different than the current plan, and I realize how much more fulfilling God's plan is and has been for me over the years.

How lucky am I that he chose me! He brought me to Spain while teaching me another language and culture while teaching me how to live for someone other than myself. Its pretty amazing! He makes me less selfish in my desires, and as a result I can't figure out what is me and what is Him, which is exactly where I would want to be. I want His voice to be louder than mine. I want to decrease.

With all this proclamation comes the fear, I am afraid of falling back on my word to follow Him anywhere. I am afraid of being far from my family who I care for so deeply. I am afraid that after learning the Spanish culture I will find it difficult to want anything other than this life too.

Basically, it all comes down to fear of the transition. I am afraid of transitioning back to American life. Plus, I am afraid of not being able to transition and being stuck there as this socially awkward person. Only God can tell how I will respond, and I am confident I will not be alone, but there is so much to say how hearts surprisingly change as God opens more and more doors. After seeing the world, the options just get bigger and tougher to make, but with His voice and direction I am faithful in each step.

PS I meant to post pics but I will have to wait because I still need to download them from Sifra's computer so...Pics to come!

Good Combination!

2007-02-21T16:18:00.000-08:00

Quick note here my friends: Apparently a mixture of little sleep the night before and Strawberry Soda are the key ingredients to getting all your online work done. I rocked out all my emails from today and yesterday, and I still have time to UPDATE my blog while studying Subjunctive forms of verbs in Spanish. I am telling you forget Red Bull. Strawberry soda is where its at. (Make sure it is made with 6% Juice. Wantcha to get the real thing my friends!)

PS I apologize for all my typos and words spelled in spanish by accident *Limon* in my previous posts! Yeah, I graduated with a degree in Jornalism but I didnt get a degree in editing, Jordan!

Seriously!

2007-02-20T12:54:00.000-08:00

People update your blog! You all know who you are!

Overseas Living

2007-02-20T10:50:00.000-08:00

Today after my wonderful 3 hour class, I decided I was gonna stop by the market and pick up some tortillas for the chili I had at home, and while browsing through the pastry/cookie aisle I encountered these cookies that looked just like those great Limon cookies in the states. You know, the ones that are big and round and have a whole in the middle. For some reason, I expected these cookies to taste as lemony with the texture of a Vanilla Wafer. [The vanilla wafer texture came in because I crumbled one to make sure my still brace face self could chew them] Well, I get home and eat my wonderful chili with bits of tortilla and cheese melted. Then, it was time for the cookies. I open them up, Taste them, and they have the sugar content of a saltine cracker. How disappointing!

¡Que Impactante!

2007-02-19T16:39:00.000-08:00

It is 2am and I have just returned from seeing an incredible movie. For me, it was so touching. There are so many more words to describe the emotions this movie evoked, but if I say them, I might give it all away. I will refrain because their is a huge part of me that wants you to go see this movie. Pan's Labyrinth, or the original title El Laberinto del Fauno. This movie was made by a Latin man about the Spanish Civil war. [DISCLAIMER: It is a war movie people, there are things that are quite hard to watch! So don't take kids to see it K!]For those of you who don't know, I have been reading For Whom the Bell Tolls by Hemingway, which is about the same topic. I am fascinated by this war, or I should say fascinated by this history/story- in spanish they use the same word...Story-historia & History-historia.

Imagine a war where fascism versus a republic. In our minds as Americans, of course we assume the republic wins! The optimism we have for overthrows of corrupt governments goes without further discussion because we base our entire militaries existence on it. We fight to protect the republics of people who desire Freedom!

You see in Europe's history during the time of Hitler, there was a Fascist movement all over Europe. In Italy was Mousolini, Germany-Hitler, and Spain - Franco. Of course, we all know the history. America joined forces with the Allies and put an end to Fascism in Germany. Soon Italy's fell too. However, in this small mediterranean country, Fascism WON! Hard to believe huh! Franco the dictator of Spain ruled this country with oppression and mass graves of people who supported the republic. He ruled until he died of old age in his bed in the 1970's. This shocks me! I mean, I know this is still apparent in the world, but this is a "westernized" country. Its in Europe for goodness sakes!

As I was reading in another book called Ghosts of Spain, to this day, many people still have family barried in mass graves, but NO ONE has gone to find them. In the book, Tremlett explains that there is a -'pacto de olvidado'-pact of forgetting here. They choose to act like their past never happened! To this day, people still celebrate Franco.

Saturday, I was walking the streets of Spain with my friends Sam and Jaime. We passed through the center of town, where someone flew the flag of Franco proudly outside their window. To this day, people are still devoted to such a mindset.

It fascinates me! To be in a country, in a time when the oppression of people is not tolerated because we all feel a certain duty to speak our mind. However, they devote themselves to such intolerance and oppression. When on the other hand, they will tolerate you to believe whatever you want about religion, marriage, family, education, finances, etc. etc.

I truly don't understand. This is generations of people who never knew where their grandparents, aunts, and uncles were barried. Generations of people who allowed such brutality to lead them.

It is scary, but enlightening for one who has spent so much time trying to understand this culture. I try everyday to undestand why they choose to fight for some things and leave others under the rug. I want to understand why because I am a woman sometimes they will just write me off like I don't exist, but let me push a baby carriage, and cars will stop miles back just to let me pass.

This movie it has touched me just like Hemingway's book and Tremlett's book to understand more of the people of Spain. I want to know why in the end of their history the bad guy won, and upon his death, no one truly celebrated because of the fear they had upon the news of his death. Seriously, as many of us felt the world was ending when bad things happened to the US. The day Franco died, Spaniards thought it was the end. From where did this fear come? and How was one man so powerful to be able to sustain it to the point that people let him do the things he did?

I guess for me, I know where I stand. I stand on the winning side because I fight for Christ, but I wonder what is this fear that people have for allowing such bad to win in their lives? I guess this is the question God must ask himself everyday. I know when I face Him, I will have to ask him why we let fear prevent us from seeing the truth.

Big things in January!

2007-02-04T16:12:00.000-08:00

My niece Mia was born.
I saw Africa across the Mediterranean Sea.
We celebrated Migue's birthday by eating Brazilian food.

I saw the southern tip of Spain called Andalucia from Gibraltar an English province.
The Rock of Gibraltar.
I played with monkeys on the Rock of Gibraltar!
I went to Nerja for our Mid-year Conference.
I met the rest of the Salerno team and learned how to play BANG!-an italian card game.

Not pictured: When I went to the English province of Gibraltar I found DR PEPPER. I bought 18 cans!

Would you call me adventurous??!

2007-01-29T14:11:00.000-08:00

This last weekend, CCC-the organization I work for in Spain- had a conference with all the American missionaries in Western and Eastern Europe. (Yes, I got to see Baird and Monica- Moscow team- They are doing well.) It was amazing to be surrounded by missionaries who were all going through the same things as I had and have over the last year and a half. While it was amazing, it was also eye opening.

In a discussion between me and my Red River Coach, Shannon Compere-She's amazing.- She directly looked at me in a conversation and said, "it appears there is a little adventure in you." This is something that had never been said to me before. In describing myself, my walk with Christ, my life, I NEVER would have used the word Adventurous. Terrified, incoherent, and awkward are words I would use to describe myself as I live out a life in another Country.

Eye opening is the best way to describe this conversation because instances played over in my mind of the past year and a half. Instances where I took chances, and dove right in head first replayed in my mind. "Was this true of me? Am I an adventurous person, and if so why had I always felt so inadequate and cowardess?" As I questioned, I began to see moments in my life where I had been given a challenge. Moments when people I highly respected as "studs" of faith would look at me and say, "Jess, you can do this. You would be amazing at this. You should go for it."

Just in those words of affirmation, those words of faith in me, I began to see how I had lived out my walk with Christ. He spoke to me through people who believed in me. He has been showing me what I am made of as a follower through people He strategically placed along the way. In that, I was able to see how divine and true His omnpresent power really stretches!

An example of this was last year. The entire year I felt so irrelevant and unnecessary. I couldn't speak or understand the language well. I wasn't building lasting relationships in my definition. I just felt like I was a waste of amazing financial support by people who, if they knew how afraid I was, would probably fire me. Then, came the Summer Project of 25 Venezuelans. Only 5 of them could speak english. The rest all in Spanish! My team leaders looked at me and said, "Jess, lead this team of 5. Show them how to do evangelism here." In my mind, I was thinking, "I can barely communicate. How can I lead a team, and be responsible for people?! I am not ready!" However, when given a challenge, I have to forge ahead. Its just the way I am made. Now, if I am not asked or overlooked, my cowardness will never allow me to volunteer. My forging ahead comes with a mere question. "Will you do this?" In the end, I realized, I can do this. God had gifted me with the ability of language and teaching. I was able to lead people. I didn't know that was in me! As a result my whole perspective changed. By the end of the first week, I had reapplied and changed my plan ticket, so that I could come back and see what else God had in store for me in Spain for one more year.

Back to the Conference, Later that week, we all met as a team. We had to decide what our 5 most important values are. I love exercises like this because I can see what Kathy Frey had been telling me all along. As I mature in my faith, I begin to understand who I really am and who I am really being shaped to be, moving from a baby Christian to a mature follower. My values had changed over the last year.

My top 5 values are: 1. Affiliation- a need to feel accepted and valued within a team 2. Exercise Competence- Opportunity to work where I feel I have talents and can excel. 3. Challenging Opportunities- Stretched with new, unique, or difficult situations. (This one not only surprised me, but my team leaders as well. They didn't know I needed this) 4 Peace and Harmony - Freedom from conflict and 5. Stability- Routines that are predictable and unchanging.

I think this list is amazingly inciteful! I can look at it, and see how these values have had positive and negative effects on my life. For instance, a need for Affiliation, Peace and harmony have been an excuse to be very passive. When in reality, conflict sometimes leads to more of a feel of Affiliation, Peace, and Harmony as you work through things with others and express the importance of each persons values. Also, a need for stability and Competence has allowed me to hide when I am unsure of my own ability, which is all the time. I have such a fear of disappointing others and a fear of failure in my work, spiritual and personal life. Furthermore, the need for challenges, to me, seems like a contradiction to the need for stability and competence because in my mind I think "what if there is a challenge I can't carry out. Then, I have failed."

How complex! This is why I had been hiding the last two years.Four of my values, I was using as a crutch, and I never expressed my need to be challenged, allowing me to be overlooked and underestimated. As I work these things out, and rolled them over in my mind, I realized. I am more competent and adequate than I had been giving myself credit. During this meeting, Garrick and Dziu expressed a belief in my abilities. While Migue expressed frustration with my lack of faith in myself. How incredible! I have had people believing in me while I sat back and denied the gift God had given me, which was the ability to communicate- not perfectly, but adecuately!

As I come back to work here in Granada, while there is a sense of tiredness in self analyzation, I realize. I have been restored. God has given me a second opportunity to look at my life through different lenses. He has given me a perspective of a person, while I have felt completely hidden and safe, I am completely adventurous. I am a person who would pack my bags, and go whereever the Lord leads me. I am a person who will enter into a conversation blazing to learn the language it is spoken in. I am a person who would lay down my life for a God who cherishes me. (Not saying there will be an absence of fear, but He will prepare me faithfully along the way.) He will gift me the abilities I need to forge ahead.

As I contemplated all these things, I realized, my future has become something I never thought it would be, completely unplanned faith steps divinely mapped out without knowledge of where they lead. While there is fear there is also this burst of adrenaline that keeps me going just waiting to see what's next.

Passport STORY

2007-01-07T12:19:00.000-08:00

WELL Hello Everyone!

I hope the new year has been treating everyone well. As of right now, I have only experienced my home in good 'ole Benton, AR in 2007! I must say it was glorious! It was all about down time, my mom getting upset with me for not going to the Doctor for the aparent deadly strain of illness that I can't shake, my dad telling me how it has been hard work to get me on the straight path, my brother John catching up on years of pestering me that he has missed out on, My unborn niece Mia always moving when I am not looking, and last but not least the amazing FREE EPISODES of Third Season Grey's Anatomy on ABC.com. (wow, run-on sentence!)

I am right now, sitting in the Chicago Airport waiting to get on my flight back into Spain. It will be a body numbing 9 hours on a plane as I am situated in the middle row. (EWWWWW) This will be another adventure. I think, at least, this departure from Chicago will not be covered in tears as I sobbed my way to the plane in September (SORRY about that Jason and Jordan!)

The last few days have been a rollercoaster. As many of you know, I lost my passport, and didnt realize it until TWO nights before I was suppose to leave. Needless to say, the night I found out I was so upset I didnt sleep! Then, as soon as the Lost and Found Offices in the Tri-state area opened, I started calling. Of course previous to that was a heartfelt plea for God to save me from myself and my inability to travel without a "situation." By the Grace of God and His ability to create miracles, a Lady in Chicago had found it, and had it in her office in Chicago O'Hare. When she called me back after an hour wait, I wanted to do backflips, of course I couldn't. 1. I would break something if I tried. 2. I hadnt slept in a long time.

There I was so happy! Everything was right in the world. I felt so good, I laid down for an hour nap! (When I am upset sleep and my appetite are the first things to leave me. Next, my common sense!) So, everything was on as planned. Just one difference, I would have to retrieve that passport before I could board my flight to Madrid. So I went up to Little Rock and took advantage of my 25ness. I rented a car to drive myself back to Dallas to visit folks at DWC and then get myself to the airport. As my wonderful brother drove me, RAIN began to fall on my parade! I looked at my itinerary and realized I had an hour and a half to get off my dallas-chicago flight, retrieve my luggage, find a guy named glen to explain that I had to have my passport, recheck in for my flight, and go through security. For all of you who had so much faith in me, I KNEW BETTER!

Luckily, I was at DWC with the very wonderful smart Janell, who asked me the question..."What are you so worried about? The process of getting it all done or the outcome?" My response, " the process!! I know everyone says its no big deal, but I am the one who has to do it, and I know myself. When I am rushed or frazzled I am lose all ability to think rationally. If I only had more time!" She says, "Well call the airlines and get on standby for the early flight to Chicago." SO I DID!! Which is why I am sitting here tired out of my mind because that makes the second night in a row I haven't slept only to be followed by a light twilight sleep onboard a 747! However, I am sitting here relaxed, my appetite back, droopy eyelids, but PEACE OF MIND!

To end a long story, that I really had to share, I had to say.....The madrid flight was DELAYED by 40 extra minutes (HAHAHA) Jokes on me! I actually prayed God would delay it, so I could get my passport in time, and of course He totally did it. My problem I let my worry, self doubt, and little faith keep me awake for another night and jump the GUN on waiting for God to take care of it. When if I had only trusted, I would be writing to you with at least some sleep more than an hour nap on Saturday!

His provision

2006-12-14T16:00:00.000-08:00

This is my prayer:

Dearest Lord,

Allow me to be enamored by you. Allow me to wake up each day desiring one more word from you. Allow me to desire to see you in everything. Allow me to realize that I am loved by the creator of the Universe. Allow me to know you deeply and personally. Allow me to desire your words more than anything or anyone. Allow me to surrender all just to be with you. Allow me to be reminded of your love and kindness in everything around me. Allow me to shout from the rooftops of your love. Allow to swell with joy in just knowing you are there for me. Allow me to rest in knowing you are there in every action encouraging me to keep going. Allow me to know that you would lay down your life just to show your love for me. Allow me to share this with others, so they might fall in love with you and realize nothing in this world compares to you.

Birthdays, just another day?

2006-12-02T15:04:00.000-08:00

Well, another year has passed, and I sit here and evaluate my life as we all normally do around this time. For me, it has been a year of struggle, moments of joy, and the everlasting presence of Christ. (No matter if I think he is there or not.) I do not say this next thing to make you feel sorry for me! I say it because it is the reality in which I live in. My birthday passed as another day to many people in the States. It was forgotten. I understand these things happen, and I know, I do the same thing too, so this is why I want to CLARIFY that I do not say this to make you feel bad.

As I begin to write tonight, I have been taking a deep look at my life, the struggles, the triumphs, the purpose. The more I realize I was called to die to myself. The investments we make in this life are the most important because just as it says in the Bible, where your treasure is there your heart is too. I have been asking where is my treasure? Where is my heart? The more I evaluate this question the more I realize, my heart rests solely in myself. My treasure should be Christ. My heart should be completely and utterly His, but as I struggle through the questions of my purpose the more I realize my disobedience and self worship. My birthday is not about me. My birthday celebrates the birth of a vessel who carries Christ.

Tonight, I had my birthday party. Its unbelievable how I can walk into a room, feeling like the world is crumbling, and how Christ sustains me. People always say that I am so happy, and my smile and laugh are contagious. When on the inside I am so frightened they will see the pain, the ickiness of my flesh, and the pity I have for myself. This is when I know Christ was present and sustaining. This birthday was especially eye opening!

Here I am a world away from where I come from, but a part of me realizes I don't know that place anymore. Two years things change so much. Then, I look at the faces of students I have befriended and who watch me everyday to see how I live Christ out in my life. I see students throwing me parties, taking time from their families, and celebrating me with gifts, kind words, and love. Of course, these are all students whom I have an eternal investment in. I see their need as deeply as I see my own for Christ. In a way, this bonds us together like iron. Then, I look to Christ, and I always seem to say the same thing, "WHY DO YOU CALL ME TO LOVE LIKE THIS ONLY TO HAVE TO LEAVE OR BE LEFT?

An example is my friend Sam. I desire Him to have a personal relationship with Christ so much. In the past I have been talking to Sam about financial things always being especially sure to keep certain details out because as you know, I am not at full support, but to Spaniards this idea of support is so FOREIGN. I have a great desire to travel for the Holidays because to imagine being alone during this time makes me shudder. The only problem is, Financially, I am not seccure in traveling. So tonight, Sam gave me a gift for my birthday. He gave me a book and a card. He told me to wait to open the card until later. As I arrived home, I opened the card. Inside was a 50 Euro bill. THIS IS A STUDENT! A NON-CHRISTIAN! Who is now supporting my ministry! When I think of his life, and his generosity, I know it is a matter of time before He knows the one and only Father, and then I think, If my life purpose this year is for just Him, then everything is worth it!

So as I sit here, I rest in that. As I reflect on my life this last year I realize, It has always been about the people! The people I have met, the people who have touched my heart, and the people I try to touch theirs be it through laughing at their jokes being teachable or just listening, I was created for them. I was created to love others as Christ loves me. That is why birthdays exist not to celebrate ourselves but to celebrate another year of touching lives and loving people. As a result, no matter the pain or pity we might feel, we should never numb ourselves to calling of loving others. We should never self-protect because in the end its about the lives of others that is the most important. Not your own.

In His Hands!

2006-11-25T16:58:00.000-08:00

Well the goodbyes are starting. December is usually the time for the first batch of students from America to begin leaving and returning to the States. It is the norm so apart of you is prepared not to get to attached because you realize they will be gone before you know it. Then, the new batch of students come through in February. Then, you start the process all over again of recruiting them to help with English classes and such.

However, there is one case that saddens me. One of our students, Alexi-the french guy, whom we have been praying for since last February is leaving us. Quite abruptly. He came last year to finish his last year of his degree. Then, once he returned back to France in May, he decided that he wanted to come back, so he postponed the inevitable job hunting to move back to Granada to hang out with us. He had always planned to move back to France because his parents didnt want him to live here in a city where finding employment is almost as impossible as finding a needle in a haystack. Well, last week, he went back to France for an interview. He expected it to take 2 months for them to make a decision because here in Europe that is the usual time frame, which would give him one more month here with us. However, they offered him the job on the spot. So we went from having a month to continue our ministry to 5 days.

It is hard for me. I have been praying for Him for 7 months, and just when I feel we are so close this happens. Plus, he was one of those students who we knew would always be there. This just makes it harder because for me apart of me knows it will be very rare to see him again; eventhough he has planned his next return. I just know what it feels like to see someone so close, and then to be left guessing what happens. I know God's plan is perfect, and eventhough my time here is very temporal the attachments are real, and I want to know I will see my friends again in Heaven. Of course, it is left in His hands. I just know that I am called to pray.

Welcome to my world!

2006-11-20T15:59:00.000-08:00

As I sit here in my 5℃ bedroom wishing this place had heat, I am grateful for the 40 minute walk I just had to get home because it has warmed me for at least 15 minutes while I write. Then, slowly, I will begin to add clothing...2 pairs of socks, the third long sleeve shirt, fleece pants, and of course the very last straw is the oversized sweatshirt on the back of my desk chair. Basically, its cold my friends. Spanish apartments are made with wall to wall marble floors, which are amazing in the summer when it is almost 40℃. However, in the winter, not so wonderful. I just think, this is the closest to suffering physically, besides the monthly cold showers when our gas runs out, as I can get here in Europe.

I have just been thinking a lot in the world that surrounds me. The facts of the situation, and also, the truth to the situation. For instance, tonight, I have homework to do. One part, which included watching a movie in Spanish at the Theater. Then, writing a 2 page summary on it all in the past tense. Lastly, I have to finish up some exercises on Articles, which they use in practically every sentence. This is my world. A world of studying, seeing movies alone, and walking alot.

Of course, there is the part of ministry, but somehow this year, I have been pushed out a little. I think Agape Spain has begun to understand that the ways of the stinter are a very distant memory. For those of you who don't know, I am the last stinter to southern Spain. It has materialized more as not being invited to Spain conferences, which I completely understand. Why use up the space, money, and time for someone who's time here is very limited? All of this to say, it has made me question the job at hand because I have begun to feel more like a glorified study abroad student, who just can't travel as much because I have work to do.

Now, of course these are the facts of my world, but not the TRUTH of my world. I have found that in my time here in Spain, there is a very deep part of me that is beginning to see the Questions of life God has raised for me. In the situation, He is revealing my necesity for Him, and in that, I can feel the deep ache and loss of the people that surround me here. This part of world that I am apart of is one of the hardest grounds I have ever experienced. Plus, I see the infinite distractions to my service to God. Just a longing for wall to wall carpet and a fireplace can send me in a tailspin for things of this world that aparently seem more important than the enduring love of Christ. The longing to stay in bed because I don't want to brave the cold apartment and 40 minute walk into town because somewhere along the way, I started to believe it was useless. This is not the life Christ intended. He intended for their to be great joy along with the sorrow. I should celebrate the Life He has chosen for me, and I am beginning to see where I lack the ability to do this on my own.

Currently, in my apartment there is a three generation representation of missionaries. My roommate Melina, her grandparents are Brasilian missionaries to Spain. My roommate Sifra, her parents are American missionaries to Spain. Then, there is me, the child who is the missionary to Spain. Incredible once you really think about it. Of course, Melina's amazing prophetic Grandmother pointed this out to another brasilian woman who stayed with us this weekend. In the end, the brasilian woman couldn't believe it. As all three of us sat there shaking our heads in agreement that it is true. Then, I walked away bewildered by this obvious truth. God is working here. He has called so many to this place. There is such a need for hope and joy in not only our lives, but in the lives of Spaniards.

My first exam!

2006-11-14T04:38:00.000-08:00

Well everyone, I am an official student these days. I had my first exam today in my spanish grammar class. I worked all weekend on rewriting my notes and woke up early (or early for me on a class day), 930 am to be exact, to study more.

It felt good. It felt like normal. Somedays I wonder if I will ever be finished studying. At this rate, I really could have been a lawyer. The only thing different is, if I were a lawyer, my experiences would be so limited to only Undergrad and Law school in America. As a result, I have one year of grad school under my belt, and two years studying in Spain a language that my entire life I have wanted to speak. Finally, I can say that I speak spanish.

God is good. These were definitely not my plans. My plans were the law school part, but this is SOOOO much better than I had planned. I still hope that He does plan for me to not have to study in a college after a little while. I am tired of the nervousness tests bring. Although, there is something oddly comforting about it.

I guess in one brief moment, I don´t have to think of the eternity set in the hearts of men, but instead, I can pray for something as small as a fill in the blank, multiple choice, essay test. Guess, I am a nerd, but I must tell you, this is the one tangible thing about my job. At the end, I get a grade that tells me that I know this language. To me, it is nice to know, I can do something well. So, I guess you could say, I feel really good about my exam.¨

Well, its hit!

2006-11-12T13:25:00.000-08:00

Tonight, I have to write because I am feeling quite homesick. It doesn't help that this has been a big week back in the states. Last weekend 5 friends got married, and this week the Arkansas Razorbacks have continued in their amazing winning streak. So much is going on, that a part of me feels like I am missing out, and apart of me really wants to go home as soon as I can. It doesn't help that my sickness has gotten worse. Today, I wasn't able to leave the house.

I know, I am suppose to be here in Spain learning language, taking tests (I have my first test on Tuesday), and sharing Christ with others. Its just hard to be so far away from home. Not to be able to go home for another 8 months. It seems so far from now. I know that it will go by so fast. I just really hate it when I focus so much on being away from home. I feel like I miss out on so much because I have really been trying to live in the moment. To be fully here, I have strived to find my joy in Christ everyday here in Spain. It's just tough when I don't feel well.

I only write this because when I write it, it makes me feel better. Don't worry, this too shall pass. haha

I dont want to end on a bad note, so I will tell you what I just did. I am right now, watching television with my roommates. There was a television show on like SNL. They had a skit with Saddam Hussein and when the announcer welcomed him the guy playing saddam said "Hola, ca@ron." As I normally do when I watch tv when there is a word I dont know I repeat it. Well, I repeated "ca@ron" and my roommates not wanting me to feel bad just looked at eachother. Then, I realized. THAT IS A BAD WORD ISNT IT! They of course starting laughing, and I began to apologize for cussing. Welcome to my world! haha

Priceless

2006-11-09T15:10:00.000-08:00

Hello my favorite blog friends!

I am sitting here watching the weirdest spanish tv show ever. Apparently, transvestites are normal here for a variety show. The awful, scary part is, they have beards. Eww! Anywho, I have talked my wonderful roommate into feeding my weird homesickness for the holidays by watching my third christmas movie this week. The best part is we are watching National Lampoon´s Christmas vacation. She has never seen it! Keep in mind she has lived in Spain her whole life. It brings me joy that I can introduce her to her to this American right of passage.

As for me, beside homesickness, I have come down with a cold. During the day, as I drink lots of fluids I am fine but by the end of the day, my voice turns to some kind of raspy man voice. The funny thing is, I sound like most of the old women here. Maybe if I could keep it, I could speak spanish with a true Andalucian accent. However, as I improve, my raspy voice will soon disappear. Oh well, its probably for the best, I doubt all of you back at home would enjoy me with a man voice.

I just wanted to write to update you on how I am doing. Sadly, I am homesick for Northwest Arkansas in the fall, Thanksgiving at home with a fire in the fireplace and comfy socks on Carpet, Decorating the house in Christmas lights and Christmas trees as I sit on the couch with only the ilumination from Christmas lights, watching a christmas movie or Charlie Brown's Christmas. These things are so cultural. These things are home.

Here in Spain, The leaves don´t change, they only turn brown and fall off the trees. Plus, there is no such thing as Thanksgiving nor Marshmallows on Sweet potatoes. Christmas is known as Three kings day and is celebrated on January 6th. Its not wrong just different.

Luckily, I found a ticket to Germany to visit my sis on the 5th to 12th of December for only $40. I love European travel sometimes. A little family time will do the trick or at least I hope.

These are the things I think about overseas. Sure my life is exciting. I live in Europe, I speak spanish daily, and most importantly I get to step out in faith daily. Still there is a part of me that desires the small things of comfort.

I didn´t write this so you would feel sorry for me. These are just the things I think about. So when you are enjoying that time with the family and comfy socks and a fire in the fireplace, I hope you remember to thank God for those little comforts. They are priceless.

Poker/Game night (a new tradition)

2006-11-03T16:26:00.000-08:00

We have begun a new tradition in my house. It starts with a little pasta, cards, and good ole fun. I invited several friends over and we played some Texas Hold'em (with pasta instead of chips because I didnt have any), Spoons, and another card game that has a less than nice name lets just say it involves presidents. Anywho, we had a great time.

This is a pic of Andrew, an american christian student studying here, Alexi, the french guy as he is so well known for, and Garrick my team leader. This pic is lacking well me, and Dziu, My co-leader and Garrick's wife, and my friend Sam, a spanish student. We were getting ready to serve cake.

This is a pic of the other games going for those who didnt want to test their poker luck. From Left to Right. Melina, my brasilian roommate, Josias, he's from Panama and his family works with Agape in Algeciras, Sifra, my other roommie, Maria, amercan student studying here, and Kileen, a american student from my class

Here is a pic of me that night. I felt bad to make someone retake a pic of all of us just so I would be in it, so I did it myself which explains the closeness. My arms are short, leave me alone!

Trip to Sevilla, Espana

2006-10-30T14:54:00.000-08:00

Sam, a student we met last year, and I went to Sevilla for the day last month. We had a great time seeing the sights, catching up on our summer, and I allowed Sam to experience a little of American Culture. Starbucks!! He loved it, and they HAD BANANA NUT BREAD! I was so happy

The beautiful city of Sevilla from the top of the Cathedral.

This is the tomb of Christopher Columbus. Its in the cathedral in Sevilla.

This is the Plaza de Espana en Sevilla. It's so beautiful!

¿Que pasa cuando el viento sopla?

2006-10-29T15:46:00.000-08:00

Well, I figured it was time for an update. I am not sure exactly what to update everyone on because I guess I could say, I am in a very pensive mood. You know the kind of mood where everything seems very profound. For example, walking home from Garrick and Dziu’s apartment, the wind blew, which prompted all these different thoughts of the future, the direction of my life, and my purpose for being here.

Lately, I have been dealing with frustration in ministry. We have been ministering to this one guy for the past year. We had so much hope for him, and then, we heard things about his character that aren’t good. For me, it is a blow to the stomach. To invest in people is one of the hardest jobs because God can only change people. We can’t do it!

I have been praying that God would give me contentment even in times when I feel I have failed, but the realization came to me, as I was walking in the wind of course, it was never my job to change him. I am not here to change people, I am here to be a witness, and let God do the work.

It is difficult for someone who expects results, but that is another thing about ministry. It is a job without wins and losses, without achievement. It is a job with lack of control and no measurement of success. God is the only true measure, and believe me, He doesn’t have an evaluation sheet that He sits down and shares with those of us working in ministry.

Bringing me back to my question, what am I doing here?

Although, I must say, I know that God has stretched me. He has brought me to a place where at first I couldn´t communicate at all and would get frustrated by the minute with the culture. Now, I take it in stride. I enjoy my daily walks which in total amount to about 3 hours of walking aday. Lots of time to think! Also, I revel in the moments when I understand whats going on and find comfort in the thought of being here. The food has saved my health because there is not a fast food restaurant on every corner, and the best part is I am learning to cook things from scratch!

The other day, I seriously said that you can´t make a cake without Duncan Hines! Then, of course my roommate looked at me, and laughed in my face!! Then, I realized how conditioned and ridiculous I have become with conveniences. It makes me excited to cook. The other day, I fried stuff. Never done that before. (sad, I know!!) AND I made pancakes from scratch! I was so excited and they tasted good. I like this freedom that comes with complete and utter humility. I am the oldest in my apartment by 4 years but these girls are teaching me more and more than I ever could teach them.

I am here in complete and utter submission because I have no choice. I am by no means self sufficient in many areas but daily God teaches me something more and more useful than the day before. He is pretty great, and provides by leaps and bounds. I guess that answers my question. I am not here to better His kingdom, I am here so He can better my world.

Randomness

2006-10-15T12:09:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone who finds time to read blogs. I am writing in my new apartment. Sadly, I can’t post from here. It’s quite hilarious. I write my letters here, and I run over to Garrick and Dziu’s, my team leaders, to post. I know, quite a production, but I think for me it is good because I can get my thoughts out on paper, which is very therapeutic for me as I am sure you all realized last year with the millions of emails I sent. For those who actually read them, my hat goes off to you!

Right now, I am struggling with the fact that I no longer can hide behind the fact that I don’t know the language. My roommates rely on me to do things that I never attempted last year such as returning things, calling for butane [gas for cooking and hot water], and taking care of bills.

Now that I can understand and communicate a little I am finding that courage is what I lack. Today, I had to return a broken clock, and I was as nervous as if I were having to give a speech to hundreds of people. It was weird! Tomorrow, I must face the photocopy store, which I am so scared. Mostly, it stems from the fear of being taken advantage of, which happens to me quite a bit sometimes.

I am still learning how to defend myself in a culture that thrives on arguing and pushing people around. For example, the elderly here are the ones you have to look out for the most. Aggressiveness is the name of the game, and I, who struggle with just being assertive, find myself out of the game before it starts.

It usually takes me 2 months or so, and then, I reach my limit. That’s when I start fighting back, but it’s not pretty, and I hate that person who always goes in with the attitude of distrust. I wish the world were a different place where you didn’t feel the need to protect yourself above all others.

Imagine if we lived in a world that Christ desires. A world where people looked out for the well-being of others over themselves. You could go into a store, repair shop, or photocopy place and know that they were going to give you the best service. Not because you are rich or powerful but because you are a human being whom they want to serve better than themselves.

I sit here and ponder how this kind of world would look. I wonder how the desire for money would be effected. Its not that I am crying out against making money or anything, I am just asking for simpler times when we cared about each other instead of doing everything for our own benefit. I would love to live like this. I pray that God would give me a heart like this. Although, when I have to wake up, and prepare myself to fight against people who push me around, I don’t understand how I am suppose to do this.

I struggle a lot with the question, how do I exhibit love, mercy, and compassion, but not be perceived as a doormat? Where are the boundaries? Where do I fit into this world? And WHY am I so socially awkward? Haha I will have to tell you more of this social awkwardness, but I will save it for another night

Pics of my Apartment

2006-10-15T11:52:00.000-07:00

Sad News

2006-10-04T10:58:00.000-07:00

I no longer have internet. I know. It is sad! I will try to update my blog as much as I can, but that is hard when you have to go to an internet cafe or your bosses houes. Ha!

However the bright side is I have a wonderful new apartment with two Spanish roommates who are awesome Christians. I am so blessed. I am humbled everyday because I have to relearn everything such as cleaning. Spain, they clean things a little differently, and THE LANGUAGE. Spanish is spoken all day everyday almost.

Its good though. I will be fluent before you know it. Well, I am off to watch LOST, second season. Hopefully, I can write again soon!

Glass half full!

2006-09-29T16:26:00.000-07:00

Well...Helloooo there crazy blog reader. I must thank you for stopping in, and checking out the happenings of me while living in Spain as a missionary. Yeah, I know its crazy that this is my life. What's even crazier is that I am loving it. At this point in the ministry we are gearing up for another truly thrilling semester which in Granada does not actually start until October 9th. [Yes they start school quite late] As for me, I am fine with it because I start school right along with them. Thats right my blog friends, I am going back to college. [Actually I never left. I still have a master's degree waiting for me back at home but I like multi-tasking. It keeps the brain alert.]

Thankfully, I get to study spanish which is a language I am loving more and more each day. I love being able to listen to an American song on my i-pod while walking the city, and completely understand conversations around me. It makes me feel like strutting through the city. Although, I must tell you, the other day I was out running, and this poor lost Spaniard, who thought I was spanish because I was wearing a t-shirt with words on it in Spanish, stopped me to ask for directions [Yes, while I was jogging] As soon as I replied that I didn't know, he got this surprised look on his face. The accent!! I lack the accent. It's ok, I am not sad I don't have the accent because then other Spanish speakers might make fun of me, but I feel some days if I had it, I might make more friends.

Anywho, I must tell you about my day. Today, was a typical day in the life of me in Spain. I had to go to the Police Station to apply for my residence card, and let me tell you, it was not so splendid. I got there at 9:30am. Waited in line until 12:30 only to be told that I was in the wrong line. Mind you, I make many mistakes in living in a different country, but this time, I was not wrong. My only crime, I am way too nice! Plus, I haven't learned how to tell someone that I know their job better than they do in Spanish but maybe one day that will come. Maybe I can ask the older generation of Spanish women. They seem to have that down well.

For example, today I saw a little old lady stop a foreign kid riding a motorcycle on the streets of Granada. Then, she proceeded to explain to him that he should not ride a motorcycle. [You might be thinking because its dangerous. but Oh no!] The motorcycle hurt her ears!!! I thought that was priceless to see this old lady become so passionate about it because in Europe most families have a motorcyle/mo-ped. Its the quickest way to get around.

That is the culture that I live in. Little old ladies calling the shots, public employees who get a kick out of making a short brown haired foreign girl cry, church bells ringing every hour, just cause, and the knowledge that a siesta can cure whatever ails you. That last one is really my belief, but I doubt spaniards would protest much on that one.

It is an intense life I do lead here in a culture that would rather be 30 minutes late than to cut a conversation off. You have to love their relational style. It excites me the new adventure that awaits me here this year. I have shared the Gospel twice and am ready to make new friends. God only knows the obstacles ahead, but I like to look at the outcome. I am a glass half full kinda gal these days, and I know this next year is going to be full of thrills. Hasta Pronto!

P.S. I will post some more pics tomorrow. Its Evelyn's birthday party and we have balloons!

Just pictures!

2006-09-22T17:27:00.000-07:00

Evelyn, my team leaders' daughter, she is my favorite teammate.
One side of my city, the Sierra nevada Mountains
La Alhambra, the muslim fortress/castle
The city within the valley
My international friends

How Great is our God!

2006-09-22T17:15:00.000-07:00

I know I am keeping you all well informed, I feel like I have a desire to write to you all daily. If I had the money and the abundance of time, I would probably try to call you all daily too. This time to sing His praises. I have started a new personal study of Psalms. (Inspired by The Grove) Everynight I read 5 Psalms out-loud. Its unbelievable the words that David expresses to the Lord. I feel like he knows my heart. Some days all I can do is praise, some all I can do is beg for mercy, some days I feel like I can conquer the world, some days I feel like I am being overtaken! David's heart was the heart of all of us, and God knew this. He gave us that to see that we are not alone.

How wonderful is He! Well, I have had a wonderful couple of weeks back. I will not lie there have been moments of falling on my knees asking for God to take over. Most of these came when I had to do a task that involved language or stepping out on my own. For example the apartment, I must say, I prayed over the list of apartments before I called I prayed for clarity and a kind merciful person to answer.

God blessed me! The lady was so amazing, after I signed the contract she bought me an ice cream. For those of you who have not heard, in southern Spain this is a once in a lifetime experience. They are known for their bad behavior and gross attitudes, which is why this night I give Him all the glory for that. I prayed for her, and He delivered! How Great is our God!

Also, I have found out that we are taking a trip to Cuba. How exciting is that!? We will be doing evangelism right there in Cuba with Spaniards. My heart skips a beat when I imagine spaniards evangelizing another country.

Now that I have talked your ear off, I thought I would post some views of my city, and a picture of me with my international friends. Seriously all four of us in the last picture represent a different country and Language! The one uniting language, SPANISH! I love it! God bless

First days back

2006-09-17T12:52:00.001-07:00

My new team:

I have returned to Spain officially. As of right now, I would just be happy to sleep through a complete night. Imagine being so tired that you dont want to brush your teeth. Then, when you finally fall asleep, you wake up 5 hours later wide a wake. You look at the clock it is only 4 am!! This is how I would describe my first nights back.

However, there is hope. Last year when I arrived the same thing kept happening. After 5 days, I was back on track. This is only day 3. Two more nights of roughing it.

Today we had our first meeting. It was exciting to hear that I actually have leadership roles for this next year. That is new for me! Last year around this time, I could not even go to the grocery store by myself. Now, I am leading discussion groups and looking for apartments on my own. God is so good!

Wild abandonment!

2006-08-30T00:45:00.000-07:00

Another post...Look how good I am doing on keeping this up to date. It is 2:39 am and I cant sleep. I am starting to get very sentimental about everything I am leaving behind in 14 days. Its amazing!

I finally began to unattach myself to America, and being here for only 2 months, I feel like I never left. This is why it is strange to know I am leaving. I have the excitement that I am sure every missionary gets before they go out. Its the excitement of the unexpected. Not knowing what God will do, I am also anxious.

I will miss my friends and family so much! Its those tears that will be shed on the 13th that I dread. When I am here, I forget how valuable people are in my life. For example, tonight I opted to sit and watch tv all night instead of interacting with amazing people who have shaped me as a Christian. Priorities!!?? haha

This is probably why I have all this energy that I is keeping me from sleeping. Also, the news of what is to come in Spain this next year. I am worried my language skills have disappeared and I am scared of the awkward moments of living and interacting in a foriegn country. However, the joy that comes with knowing I am completely in God's will is pretty amazing too! I hope you all have moments like this. The torn moments where you feel the attachment that comes with following Christ with Wild abandonment!

Bienvenidos a Todos!

2006-08-25T00:19:00.000-07:00

Welcome to all! This is my newly made Spain blog. I am going to try to be more current with this one than the other one I promise. I might even post pictures! I know...CRAZINESS!

As you all know, I am returning to Spain for a second year. Only God could have known this would happen because I was so strongly against living overseas for another year. Being away from family, friends, and the comforts of home seemed too much for me in the beginnng.

The more I surrendered, I saw His plan. He gave me an ability to learn language so quickly for a reason. The longer I am in America, I realize if I don't use this gift I will lose it.

I was trying the other day to translate a Telenovela (spanish soap opera) and I could only hear words. I must say it scared me. Here I spent a year in Spain already, and all I could hear were words!

Needless to say, God knows exactly what He is doing. The more I realize this the more I see that I am His. My life is His. There is no one better to take ownership of my life. I am learning so much about laying down my life. Many times I don't like it, but I know it is the most amazing experience I could possibly have.